I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
