I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
