just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
