so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
