Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
