I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
