Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize