so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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