i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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