I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
