Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
