If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
