I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
