Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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