Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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