what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
