At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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