woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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