Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
