and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
