Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
