mondays should just be called national damage control day
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
