I just saw a hot homeless man
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
