Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
