Your face is a jimmy john
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
