Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
