i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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