i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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