Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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