I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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