I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
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figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
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He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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