Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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