Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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