God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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