They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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