TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
