just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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