She is in my trunk
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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