I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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