What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sext me about skeletons
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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