he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
