Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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