The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
