hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
