I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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