I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
