I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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