Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
