i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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