Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
sarcasm needs its own font
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
