I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
