No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
