There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
