I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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