Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
