she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
