someone get that fucking seahorse.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
