"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
