I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
