I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
