My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
