I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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